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Wow. I was suppose to attend Shana's funeral today...and my boss forgot to pick me up.

I was tempted to call her several times, but I didn't want to interrupt the services.

She called me immediately afterwards, apologizing and repeating "Oh God - you are so mad. You hate me..." I had some other emotions, but anger wasn't one of them. I asked her to convey my condolences to the family.

Anyway - she was the main person - along with Shana's mom and sis - who put everything together; she prepared all of the food and table settings by herself.

She forgot about me because she was running around like a chicken without a head.

Totally understandable.

No more asshole, bitchy comments about Big Momma from me.

She died late Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.



For the last two weeks, I've reined in my snapping and snarling at her, as I noticed her further rapid decline - physically and mentally. I'm sometimes a bitch, but I am humane. As such, I - and the bosses - were giving her a little slack.

Just Tuesday evening, when she and I were working, I joked around with her and we laughed about the asshole customers we both couldn't stand. And we talked about having CHF.

I guess the reason I'm mentioning this is because even though I was cool towards her lately, I still feel guilty about bashing on her. True - she drove me and everyone else to almost commit hari-kari, but looking at all of my asshole comments from before, now I feel kinda' like shit. The woman died alone, in her bed.

She was only 39 years old.



How Wednesday progressed:

We all noticed that BM didn't show up to work by 11am. She was suppose to be in at 10:30, but no one was alarmed, as she usually came to work late. When noon hit, we got concerned. Boss#2 kept calling her, and checking her phones for calls or texts. I figured that she could have taken a fall (she had one at her apartment over 2 weeks ago) so I search around the grounds of the culinary building and the surrounding area. Boss #2 called the cops and requested a welfare check. While we waited to hear back from them, she then took a turn around the campus...

While I was getting salads out, Boss #2 bursts out of her office, in tears. As soon as I saw her, I knew. We gave the rest of the staff the tragic news. Shock is the only word I can pull up to describe the looks on everyone's faces. Having to repeat what happened to countless staff and students didn't make it easier. One can only cry so much before one just gives up speaking.

So - this is how it's been yesterday and today.

Boss #2 set up a beautiful memorial table for BM - Her name was Shana - and tons of people signed cards and donated money for her family. Boss #2 will meet up with Shana's mom and sis again to give them the cards and stuff. (So sad - we found out about the death before her mom could be reached; she and Boss #2 first met up at the apartment complex, and the mom almost passed out when the coroner van pulled up).

We closed up at 1:30 today, and had a meeting with the school's new grief counselor. I don't want to appear to dredge up shit, but I noticed off the bat that 2 present didn't really seem to give a shit. (Cee and Lana). And Dor wasn't around, even though she was around before and after the meeting. The three of them laughed and joked around like any other day. And made sure to take tons of food home - some of it not for free. At least Mai cried, even though she didn't like Shana.

I guess everyone reacts to death and grief differently...

Sigh.

COMMENTS

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NLW
04:01 May 22 2015

39 years old. Wow! I thought she must be much older. I guess from reading your stories, I always hoped something might change, and I know the frustration of working with ineffective coworkers. Still, you can even become attached (even a little) to people who get on your nerves. (Certain family members come to mind.) I'm sorry you all had to go through this, but mostly I wonder how her family is doing. Take care.

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imagesinwords
15:29 May 22 2015

You're displaying the kind of humanity I find to be the best among people. Here on this site- you could spin any tale you wanted. You could have shared your frustrations with the lady and never shared this. You didn't have to give anyone any details and could have painted a picture you preferred of yourself. But you journaled here what you find to be the ugly truth.



You are a human, and we have the right to feel frustrated and even express it. Sometimes we may share more than we wish we did when "later" comes- but it's okay.



When you are able to look at yourself and feel regret, take ownership, and put things into perspective without letting ego get in the way (too many people stick to their guns no matter what)- you are winning in the game called "life".

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I know that as of late, I've been here sporadically. Being on my feet at work most days, plus a lot of writing and reading, has kept me away from VR. I miss chatting with my friends here, and I hope to remedy the lack of communication soon.



And dammit ...I'm running out of good-looking priest to open each month with. So - while I search for more of those gentlemen, I will go in another direction here for now. Seeing as half of my roots are Texan, I may switch from priests to cowboys. I like cowboys. In any case...what better way to kick off May than this specimen? (Well - ok - the pic was from someone else, who got it via a gay site, but whatever. The image is what I'm going for - lol)